As a child, did you ever chant “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” You may have used it as a child's taunt in the playground and thought no more about it. But I wonder what you think of it now as an adult? Do you still think of it as harmless words?
The truth is that words have real power and some can cause immense harm to a child.
Have you ever had any of these words said to you when you were little:-
“Your stupid.....you'll never amount to anything!”
“Why can't you be like your...........?”
“I wish you'd never been born!”
“You're a sinner........you'll go to hell!”
“You're special......this is our little secret.....don't tell anyone.”
Any one of these statements might have been said by a parent or caregiver; a member of a religious organisation; or a perpetrator of sexual abuse.
As a child, you believe what adults tell you because you haven't lived long enough to know how to challenge what they say. You internalise these hurtful words and then cover them up in a cloak of shame. Shame can show up in a number of ways.
- You feel something is wrong with you and feel flawed or defective in some way as a human being.
- You feel totally worthless and have no sense of who you really are.
- Your self-esteem is at an all time low and you see no purpose in your life and remain stuck in a rut.
Just watch the news on television and what do you see? Huge divisions within communities where angry words are exchanged, for example, on the basis of a person's skin colour; their culture or sexual orientation. People who appear different from what are seen as the customary social norms are villainised and filled with shame just because of who they are. It makes no sense.
Many adults carry these wounded and shamed parts of themselves for decades and have no idea how to find healing.
One final point on the subject of shame, is the deep shame of having been abandoned as a child. Like many other life experiences, the wounds of abandonment run very deep. They reach your very soul, creating a deep hole that seems impossible to fill. You feel “something” is missing in your life, as you desperately seek to make sense of it all.
Abandonment does not necessarily mean the physical absence of a parent or caregiver. It is equally possible to experience these feelings of abandonment whilst living on a daily basis with a significant carer. Because of difficulties in emotional attachment, a parent may be unable to make a connection with their child, creating an emotional distance between them, and an inability to meet their child's emotional needs. The child then feels that somehow it is their fault and will go to any lengths to please their parent and receive their approval and love.
How can you find your way through this apparent maze of shame and emotional isolation?
Many people look for “quick fixes” to their issues, particularly now we live in a society where everything seems to be on instant demand, and waiting for solutions to their problems can create a sense of deep frustration. ChatGPT has its uses, but nothing can compare with the meeting of minds between a client and their therapist. To feel heard and understood by another human being in itself can be healing, particularly if you have never experienced that for yourself as a child.
However, the process of healing can never be rushed as you may have been carrying these deep wounds for many, many years, or perhaps decades or even throughout your life. It can be a truly transformational experience as you work with your therapist, gradually fitting together the missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that is your life.
To have a real understanding of what has happened to you and why you are presently feeling and behaving in the way you are, can be a real epiphany; a real “light bulb” moment.
That is why I suggest to you, if you have not read my previous blog entitled “How to Choose the Right Counsellor”, that you do so before proceeding to the next step. It has some useful tips to help you find the right person for you.
I cannot stress enough, the importance of the relationship between yourself and your therapist. If you have a good connection with that person, your confidence and trust will grow. You will find yourself gradually opening up and exploring areas of your life that you never thought possible.
When making that important decision, trust your gut instinct. It will not, in my opinion, fail you.
One last thing, there is a myth that's been going the rounds for some time now. The one that suggests counsellors have got their lives all sorted and are problem free. Nothing could be further from the truth.
There is a saying within the profession which describes a counsellor or therapist, as a “wounded healer.” That is a very apt description.
Like you, we too have been wounded in life and have experienced many of the emotions that you have found challenging in your life. Your story may be different from ours, in other words the life events that shaped you will be different, but the feelings between us remain the same.
That is because we share your humanity, and in the end that is what binds us together.
Take care for now.
John, Counsellor in Dundee